Bedtime Wars

“But you said I could watch YouTube whined Johnny.

“That’s right, but it’s 9 o’clock so bedtime.” Insisted Mum.

“I just need to get to the end of this, I am nearly finished.” Said Johnny looking her squarely in the eye. “Okay I will come up in 5 minutes after I have said good night to your sister”. Mum left him to it.

Ten minutes later Mum walks in and he is still on his iPad. “I thought I said you had 5 minutes.” Mummy barked at him frowning. “No, you didn’t, you said you would come up in 5 minutes.” “You know that’s not what I said now put your iPad away”. “That’s not fair, you always say something then forget and blame it on me.” “Johnny, bed!” “Dad lets me stay up longer, and Suzie is younger than me so why should I go to bed at the same time as her, you are always so mean to me.”

“Enough give me the iPad!!” shouted  Mum. Johnny threw it across the room and it crashed against the draws. “That’s it no iPad for a week, if you can’t look after it! I am a calling your father!” Johnny runs out the room and locks himself in the bathroom.

Mum comes back a minute later with back up. Dad shouts “Johnny your mother tells me you just threw your iPad.” Silence from behind the door. “I want you to come out and apologise to your mother.” A few seconds silence and then Johnny says loudly “I’m brushing my teeth”. Mum and Dad look at each other and Mum says “We’ll give you two minutes and then you need to come out”. “You said I have to brush my teeth for at least three minutes” retorts Johnny. “But you’ve already been in there for 5 minutes.” “But I only just started brushing my teeth” “You told us a few minutes ago you were brushing your teeth” “Well I was putting the toothpaste on.”

Dad was now red in the face and banged on the door “Put your toothbrush away and come out now”. “I need to rinse my brush and put it away like you said I should”. Two minutes later Johnny comes out and looks at his parents and says “I don’t know why you are so angry, I brushed my teeth like you are always going on about.” “Why is it,” shouted Dad “Every, single, night, we have this fight with you to go to bed? Got to bed now!” “I need the toilet” “Well GO!” “But you just yelled at me to go to bed, which one should I do?” Mum stormed off downstairs leaving Dad to deal with Johnny.

“Toilet!” Bellowed Dad pointing to the toilet door. John runs to the toilet while Dad stands waiting in the corridor. A few minutes later Dad looks at his watch and said, “come on bed time now.” “I’m still busy” “you’ve been in there for ages.” “I’m doing a poo, do you mind.” Dad was clenching his fists and teeth “I am counting to 30 and you better be out here” Dad started a loud count down. At 29 you hear the toilet flush and Johnny announces as he skips past “just going to wash my hands”. Dad glares at his son as he disappears into the bathroom for a second time. Johnny reappears a minute later and said “okay good night dad” and went to his room switched off the light and got into bed.

Have you ever experienced this as a parent? Perhaps the conversations you have had have been very different, but the drawn out, arguing, debating or negotiating at bedtime? All behaviour is driven by getting our needs met. This particular situation delays bedtime. In fact if you think about it, if your child debates with you it will usually be about something they either don’t want to do or want to delay. Every time you engage in this argument, you are ensuring that their arguing is effective at meeting their needs – delay. Here are a few tips:

1. Have a set time for healthy discussion of rules or debating anything your child feels the need to raise. We want to encourage them to voice their opinions in a healthy way and at an appropriate time. When is good time for your family? Perhaps after supper for half an hour in the living room?

   
   

2. Make sure that you have a few (not too many) set rules and routines that are very clear and unambiguous, for example, in bed and lights out at 9pm. Brushing teeth and toileting needs to be done before hand.

   
   

3. Also, make it clear that you are happy to discuss ANYTHING but only after supper (or whatever time you have all agreed) and not at bedtime. Explain that you will completely ignore any protesting.

   
   

4. Give them a ten minute warning so they can start getting ready and go to the bathroom and toilet.

   
   

5. As soon as the debating starts:

   1. Gesture to stop and that your are not talking

   2. No words spoken at all

   3. Divert eye contact

   4. Move immediately to do what needs to be done e.g. remove the iPad and switch off the light.
      

6. Praise your child if they listen immediately, and periodically offer them rewards for several ‘war free’ bedtimes in a row.

 Wishing you all peaceful evenings!